Monday, May 5, 2008


So.... here I am again. This will be the third time I have restarted this blog. The first one I deleted after a major event in my life that caused me no end of emotional discomfort. Then, I started up again, but it didn't feel right and all that ended up on the page was emotional outpourings that didn't need to be here. This time, I am going to persevere and just see what flows.

As I lay in bed last night, too tired to sit in front of this computer and write, too exhausted at 1:00 a.m. to keep my eyes open, all kinds of things flowed through my brain that I wanted to post here. Do you think I can think of them now? Not bloody likely. Ha!

There are times in your life (or at least, in mine) when many things happen in rapid succession, seemingly out of control and beyond your control. Some are wonderful and beautiful but all too brief, some come up so quickly when you expected them to take a much longer time, some happen in a timely manner and some are painfully slow.

The Fast and Fabulous has left me torn apart, many times in tears, my heart broken and my brain still struggling with the understanding of why. It appears it was not meant to be, as the combination of the two of us was so intense it was breath-taking, but not what he was ready for or able to deal with, or even what he really seemed to want.

The Quick is the purchase of a house - new for me but built in the year I graduated from high school. Strangely enough, I was expecting the house hunting thing to take forever and a day, judging from what others I know have been going through - many viewings, many offers and nothing accepted. So I was prepared to take the summer and into fall to perhaps find a new abode. Who woulda thunk the first one I offered on would be accepted?! So now I am preparing to move in early July. It is exciting but still two months away, so it is now one of the slow things. Sorting and packing will commence shortly, as I go through the crap that I still have in boxes from the last move 10 months ago.

The pretty much Right On Schedule is my divorce proceedings. The papers are signed and awaiting a few copies of things to be added before they can be filed at the Law Courts. Then it is waiting until the one year mark (in July right after I get the house), getting the ruling and paying for a divorce certificate to prove it is all over and done with.

The Painfully Slow is the trying to move on and meet someone else. I am hampered by the memories of the Fast and Fabulous. I want that back... but it won't be coming back unless he has a brain hemorrhage and totally changes. Because I want to dance and he doesn't. We danced beautifully for a while, then the music seemed to change and I was left on the dance floor, watching his hasty retreat as he bolted from what was too much, too soon, not right..... ((sigh)) So I am back online, looking, sorting through all the losers and unsuitable ones, trying to find someone to even just have enough in common with and enough of an initial attraction to a photo to have a first meeting. I am in no rush now, because the Fast and Fabulous has left me with some doubts about myself, about how I interact with a Someone and whether it is right or wrong, whether there will be a repeat of the pain and hurt, the confusion and hot knife piercing my heart.... all of which lingers to some degree and which makes the Painfully Slow even more so....

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thoughts floated through the ether...