CURSED OR PAUSED?????

Who decided women should go through all this physical crap every month, anyway? Was it a male who designed the human reproductive systems and put all the major crap on one model and not the other? I'd really like to see all the males on this planet live through what we women go through on a monthly basis. I'm thinking the suicide rate would jump exponentially if that was the case.....

So... lately my body has been taking things into its own hands and driving me freakin' crazy. I am 50 years old and I think my body is trying to decide if I should enter the realm of menopause. Which sucks, in some ways, because everything is all out of kilter.

I have short spans of time (I was going to say 'periods' but reserve that word for other usage) where I am cramping and bloated and feeling decidely like I am going to start my period. Then after a few hours it goes away. WTF! This has been going on for almost 3 weeks now. I am that much time past when I should have started my period. So I have to carry supplies with me absolutely wherever I go. Because you know if I don't, I will be hit with a major flood and be the most embarrassed and pissed off woman on the planet.

At times my clothes just don't fit because I look like I've put on 15 lbs in a matter of hours. My belly bloats up like a dead groundhog on a hot summer's day.... thank the gods I don't smell like one too!

Now, I already have large enough bazooms and don't really need an increase in size in that department, but I get it anyway. And along with the cup spillage that occasionally occurs, they are also tender enough that just the light bounce of descending a staircase makes me clutch them in mild agony. Which makes horse back riding a challenge, to say the least!

Along with that discomfort is the fact that every repoductive organ I own swells up to the point of making sitting on any type of surface that is not overly padded a logistical challenge. How do you park your butt so that your petunia doesn't feel like it just got slam dunked? Gingerly, is how, and often slightly tilted to the side.

And, of course, every middle aged woman's nemesis - hot flashes. Or power surges. Or whatever you want to call them. Nothing beats having your internal thermostat zoom up to boiler room levels in a matter of seconds. My ears become flaming beacons, flush with boiling blood that is ready to explode out of my veins. At times I wish I was like an elephant and could flap my ears to cool them down.

And then, just as rapidly, after I have soaked through the armpits of my shirt, the temperature plummets and I am left a wet and chilly woman, miserable now with a damp bra and sticky shirt, longing for a nice shower and lots of soap. Not much chance of that happening while I am at work!

The night sweats are a major pain in the kiester as well. Waking at 3 a.m. with a pool of sweat between those bazooms that a swim team could use for practice is extremely aggravating. Never mind that my sleep has been interrupted, but now the sheets are wet and my pillow is damp and I have to throw off the covers to cool off. So I fall back asleep, sweat drying in the open air, only to wake again a little later on, freezing my nipples off because now I am no longer broiling and the sweat has dried, and I am exposed to the elements.

What I want to know is... why can't I get rid of this equipment that I have never used... and will not ever use? Why can't we have elective hysterectomies to delete these major annoyances and discomforts from our lives? I am sure I am not the only woman out there who would be standing in line for that. You can have your breasts electively removed if you are at risk of breast cancer.... wouldn't it be prudent to ward off major PMS bouts with a little elective snip and stitch? They must be able to do that laparoscopically now, I would think..... What I also want to know is.... when the hell will this all be over and I can become a dried up prune? Wait a minute... that isn't really something to look forward to, now is it? Has to be a happy medium somewhere....